Why Guilt and Shame keep you stuck?
Hey there, and welcome! Today, we’re diving into an important conversation about the difference between guilt and shame—unpacking what’s really at the root of each. As you listen, I invite you to keep an open mind and an open heart, giving yourself the space to receive this message with kindness and curiosity. You are not alone in this, and I hope this episode brings you the clarity and encouragement you need.
Some real-life examples of a person experiencing shame or guilt can be Someone who grew up in a household where emotions were dismissed (“Stop crying, you’re too sensitive”) may feel shame for having deep emotions as an adult. They suppress their feelings, struggle with vulnerability, and stay stuck in relationships where they feel unseen or misunderstood. Someone who chooses a path different from her family’s expectations—whether it's career, marriage, or faith—feels deep guilt for “disappointing” them. They stay stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, seeking approval, and minimizing their own desires to maintain acceptance. A person who grew up feeling unworthy of love keeps people at a distance due to fear of rejection. Shame says, “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t love me.” That person stays stuck in surface-level relationships, longing for connection but fearing exposure.
Each of these experiences creates a loop—guilt turns into shame, shame leads to avoidance, and avoidance keeps people stuck in patterns that prevent healing.
So lets talk about the difference between the two.
Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame
Guilt is an emotion that occurs when a person realizes or believes they did something wrong such as lying, cheating, or stealing. Sounds pretty simple, right?? Wrong…because there is this thing called guilt complex and this can allow for someone to feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing wrong at all. People with guilt complex take on responsibility for situations that aren’t their fault, leading to unnecessary guilt. Unnecessary guilt often stems from deep-rooted beliefs and past experiences. Here are a few reasons why people experience it:
1. Childhood Upbringing– Growing up where love or approval was conditional can make someone feel responsible for others' emotions or outcomes. This can look like a parent blaming a child for grown up arguments.
2. Perfectionism – Holding yourself to impossibly high standards and feeling guilty when you fall short.
3. Past Trauma or Abuse – Experiencing manipulation or emotional abuse
4. Cultural or Religious Influences – Some teachings emphasize self-sacrifice or obedience, which can lead to guilt for prioritizing personal needs.
5. Fear of Conflict or Disapproval – Avoiding guilt by over-apologizing, over-explaining, or taking responsibility for things outside their control.
Unnecessary guilt can hold you back in different ways. For instance:
• In relationships: You over-apologize, feel responsible for others’ emotions, or struggle with setting boundaries.
• In parenting: You feel like they’re never doing enough, questioning every decision, or carrying guilt because you take time for yourself.
• In career/personal growth: You avoid opportunities or change out of fear of letting someone down or making the wrong choice.
Shame on the other hand is a deeply personal emotion that arises when someone perceives they have done something wrong or that there is something inherently wrong with them.
Unlike guilt, which is tied to a specific action (“I did something bad”), shame is more internalized (“I am bad”). It often leads to feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, or worthlessness.
Shame can be especially painful because it is closely linked to our fundamental needs for safety, connection, and belonging. When we feel shame, it can make us believe that we are unworthy of love or acceptance, leading to isolation and self-judgment.
Because shame feels so threatening, people often try to hide the things they feel ashamed of—whether it’s a past mistake, a perceived flaw, or even emotions they were taught were “wrong” to express. This can result in:
• Avoidance: Pretending something didn’t happen, suppressing emotions, or avoiding situations that trigger shame.
• Perfectionism: Overcompensating by trying to be “flawless” to avoid feeling inadequate.
• People-pleasing: Seeking validation to counter feelings of unworthiness.
• Self-sabotage: Engaging in destructive behaviors due to believing they don’t deserve success or happiness.

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