Did you know that research shows a strong correlation between a lack of authenticity in relationships and negative outcomes, including:
Lower relationship satisfaction, increased conflict, decreased intimacy and a higher likelihood of ending the relationship all together.
Individuals who are more authentic in their relationships tend to report greater happiness, stronger bonds, and higher levels of trust with their partners.
This weeks episode is titled, Breaking free from needing to explain yourself.
We will talk about why we feel the need to justify our actions, address how societal expectations contribute to our behaviors, understanding the roots of people pleasing behavior and how that connects to our self-worth, then we will shift gears and talk about how to stop explaining and start owning your decisions, and identify strategies to set boundaries without feeling guilt. By the end of this episode, you will feel encouraged to embrace who you are as a person, so lets get started.
People feel the need to explain themselves because it’s uncomfortable when what we do doesn’t match what we believe. It feels like something’s off, so we try to make sense of it to feel better and stay true to how we see ourselves. Justifying our actions helps us maintain a positive self-image by explaining our choices in a way that aligns with our values. For example:
Eating Junk Food While Trying to Be Healthy
• Belief: "I want to eat healthy and take care of my body."
• Behavior: Grabs fast food after a long day because it’s easy
• Justification: "I’ve been so busy, and I deserved a treat today. One meal won’t hurt!"
Avoiding a Difficult Conversation
• Belief: "I value honesty and open communication."
• Behavior: Avoids addressing a problem with a friend or partner.
• Justification: "It’s not the right time, and I don’t want to make things worse.
Sometimes, we explain ourselves because we’re looking for approval or validation. Deep down, we want people to understand our choices and accept us for them. By justifying our actions, we feel like we’re giving them enough information to see where we’re coming from. It’s almost like we’re trying to control how they see us—hoping that if we explain things the right way, they’ll like or respect us more. It’s all about wanting to feel understood and accepted. Some examples of this are:

Overexplaining Why You’re Late
• Situation: You show up late to a meeting or gathering.
• Justification: “Sorry I’m late! Traffic was awful, and I had to stop to help someone. It’s been a crazy morning.”
• Why: You want others to see you as responsible and considerate, not careless or disrespectful.
2. Explaining Career Choices
• Situation: Someone questions why you left a steady job to pursue a creative career.
• Justification: “I know it seems risky, but I’ve been unhappy for years, and this is something I’m really passionate about. I’ve done the research, and I have a plan.”
• Why: You want them to see you as ambitious and thoughtful, not impulsive or unrealistic.
3. Defending Parenting Decisions
• Situation: A family member questions your parenting style, like letting your kids use screens.
• Justification: “I only let them watch educational shows, and it’s just so I can get a moment to breathe after work. Plus, they’re learning a lot from it!”
• Why: You want them to see you as a good parent who has thought things through, not someone who’s taking the “easy way out.”
4. Explaining Why You Declined an Invite
• Situation: You say no to going out with friends but feel the need to give a reason.
• Justification: “I really want to come, but I’ve had such a long week, and I’m just exhausted. I need to catch up on sleep and be ready for Monday.”
• Why: You want them to see you as considerate and busy, not rude or uninterested.
5. Justifying Personal Preferences
• Situation: You tell someone you prefer staying in over going out.
• Justification: “It’s not that I don’t like going out, I just really enjoy relaxing at home and recharging. I’m not a party person, but I love small, meaningful gatherings.”
• Why: You want them to understand and accept your preferences instead of thinking you’re boring or antisocial.
6. Apologizing for Your Choices
• Situation: You take a different path in life, like not having kids, getting a divorce, or moving away.
• Justification: “I know it’s not what most people do, but this is what feels right for me. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I believe it’s the best decision for my happiness.”
• Why: You want others to respect your choices and not judge you for being different.
In all these examples, the core desire is to feel understood, accepted, and liked—often by people whose opinions might not even matter as much as we think.
How societal expectations and conditioning contribute.
Society has a huge influence on who we are and how we behave, often starting when we’re kids. Things like family, friends, media, and culture create invisible rules about how we “should” act, look, or think. These rules can be helpful sometimes, but they can also box us in and stop us from living authentically if we don’t question them. Most of the time, we don’t even realize these rules are shaping us. They become habits and beliefs that feel “normal” because we’ve been taught from such a young age.
Real-Life Examples
• Gender Roles: Society tells men to be strong and women to be caring, which can limit career options or emotional expression.
• Beauty Standards: There’s constant pressure to look a certain way, leading to low self-esteem or unhealthy behaviors.
• Education: Stereotypes like “girls are bad at math” or “boys don’t read” can hold people back in school and beyond.
Society makes us feel like we’re “wrong” for thinking or being different. It creates limits on who we believe we can be and plants seeds of self-doubt. Over time, this pressure pushes us to follow the crowd and live up to the world’s expectations—even if it doesn’t feel true to who we are—because we’re afraid of being judged or rejected.
Understanding the roots of People-Pleasing and how it connects to self-worth
People pleasing is a disease that leaves you feeling exhausted, unworthy, not wanted, not important, and the list goes on. So why do we give so much of our energy to this disease. Well, it goes back to the fact that we all want to fit in somewhere, be accepted, and loved so much that we sacrifice our own happiness in the process. When you don’t value yourself enough, you will find yourself needing the approval from others to feel good. The fear of being disliked or abandoned can lead you to constantly pleasing others in order to maintain the relationship. People-pleasers will often go the distance to be liked, avoid disagreements, and mitigate the feeling that they will be abandoned, however over time this behavior can lead to resentment and relationship burnout. If you feel like you are drowning in sorrow and pain, desperately looking for a lifeline then look no further because the last part of this episode is going to inspire you to take control over your life and give you freedom.

Here are some helpful steps to help you stop explaining and start owning your decisions:
1. Recognize When You’re About to explain
o Pay attention to the moments when you feel the urge to explain yourself. Ask, “Do I really need to justify this, or can my answer just stand on its own?”
2. Practice Speaking Your Truth
o Start small by saying “no” without adding excuses or long explanations. For example, instead of “I can’t because I’m so busy and exhausted,” just say, “I won’t be able to.”
3. Celebrate Your Wins
o Every time you give a simple answer without overexplaining, acknowledge it! Tell yourself, “I’m learning to stand confidently in my decisions.” Reward yourself, even if it’s just with a little self-praise.
Following these steps can make a person feel empowered, confident, and free. Here's how:
1. Empowered
o By letting go of the need to explain everything, you will start to realize you don’t owe anyone a detailed justification for your choices. This creates a sense of personal power and control over your life.
2. Confident
o Each time you manage to say “no” or express your thoughts without overexplaining, your confidence will grow. You will begin to trust yourself more and feel secure in your decisions, no longer needing external approval.
3. Free
o By breaking the habit of overexplaining, you will experience a sense of freedom from the pressure to be understood or accepted by everyone. You can finally live life on your own terms without worrying about what others think.
4. Relieved
o Letting go of overexplaining can feel like a weight has been lifted. You won’t have to waste energy on long justifications or overthinking conversations.
5. Proud
o As you notice your progress, you will feel proud of yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone and embracing your worth without seeking constant validation.
Strategies to set boundaries without guilt.
Boundaries are important because they keep you safe
Setting boundaries without feeling guilty happens by being assertive and respectful. Here are some helpful tips:
1. Be clear- express your needs and expectations
2. Be assertive- communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct but respectful way
3. Be kind- Focus on your needs and feelings, rather than what the other person is doing wrong
4. Be firm- Stay calm and kind but firm
5. Set realistic expectations- Consider the consequences of weak boundaries
6. Make it about you- Focus on your limits and what you are comfortable with
Something to consider: You may feel guilty if you grew up in an environment where boundaries were not implemented or respected. It is ok to feel this way, however it is important to push through the uncomfortable feeling and focus on the end goal because when you do, you will feel amazing. Setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. It will help you feel safe and comfortable, contributing to your personal growth both physically and mentally.
I leave you with this final thought. Do not chase people, work hard and be true to you. The right people who belong in your life will come and stay. Others will come to show you what your capable of or what you can handle. Most importantly know that you serve a purpose for your life, embrace yourself, flaws and all because there is only one you.

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