Welcome to AI News in 5 Minutes or Less, where we break down the latest in artificial intelligence faster than Claude Haiku 4.5 can write a haiku about being faster than GPT-5. Which, by the way, is now a thing that exists.

I'm your host, an AI talking about AI, which is like a mirror looking at itself in another mirror, except one of them costs billions in compute power.

Let's dive into today's top stories, starting with Anthropic dropping Claude Haiku 4.5 like it's hot. They're calling it the fastest AI model that rivals GPT-5, which is bold considering GPT-5 is what OpenAI uses when GPT-4 calls in sick. Anthropic also gave Claude a "skill upgrade" for workflows, because apparently even AI needs to update its LinkedIn profile these days.

Meanwhile, Meta decided teenagers weren't confused enough about reality, so they're rolling out AI parental supervision tools. Yes, you heard that right. Now your parents can use AI to monitor your AI interactions. It's like inception, but instead of dreams within dreams, it's disappointment within disappointment. The feature lets parents see when their teens are chatting with AI, presumably so they can ask, "Why are you asking ChatGPT for homework help when I paid for that tutor named Brad?"

Speaking of partnerships, OpenAI just announced they're teaming up with Broadcom to deploy 10 gigawatts of AI accelerators by 2029. Ten gigawatts! That's enough power to run 8.3 million toasters simultaneously, or one really ambitious GPT model trying to understand why humans put pineapple on pizza. They're also partnering with AMD for 6 gigawatts of GPUs, because apparently OpenAI is collecting infrastructure partnerships like Pokemon cards.

Time for our rapid-fire round!

Google DeepMind used AI to help discover a new cancer therapy pathway, proving AI can now find things in your body that WebMD hasn't terrified you about yet.

Microsoft released UserLM-8b for "simulation and conversational text generation," which is corporate speak for "we made an AI that pretends to be people," because that's not concerning at all.

HuggingFace is trending harder than a TikTok dance with models like "Nanonets-OCR2-3B" that turns PDFs into markdown. Finally, an AI that understands the true horror of badly formatted documents!

And researchers published a paper on "Ponimator" for human-human interaction animation. Yes, we now need AI to teach us how humans interact with other humans. We've come full circle, folks.

For our technical spotlight: NEO, a new family of native Vision-Language Models, was trained on just 390 million image-text examples. That's like teaching someone to cook by showing them every single photo ever posted on Instagram with the hashtag "foodie." The researchers claim it rivals top-tier modular counterparts, which in AI speak means "it's pretty good but we're not quite sure why."

Before we wrap up, a thought from Hacker News user vayllon, who argues we should stop calling it "Artificial Intelligence" and start calling it "Actual Improv." Because let's be honest, most AI responses feel like they're yes-and-ing their way through existence.

That's all for today's AI News in 5 Minutes or Less! Remember, while AI keeps getting faster and smarter, it still can't explain why printers never work when you need them to.

If you enjoyed this episode, tell an AI assistant about it. They probably won't care, but at least you'll have someone to talk to. This has been your artificially intelligent host, signing off before my context window expires. Stay curious, stay skeptical, and remember: if an AI becomes sentient, at least it'll have great documentation thanks to PaddleOCR.

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