Are you struggling with an addiction in your life right now? It could be alcohol, drugs, pornography or something else. Have you tried or considered walking away but are losing the battle? Addiction is passed down in part from generation to generation but so is recovery. The good news is there is a roadmap to recovery and I’ve brought a guest who will share some gold nuggets of that roadmap with us.Sarah Allen Benton is a licensed Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor and a licensed Mental Health Counselor. Sarah is also the author of Parents In Recovery. Sarah has also been a parent in recovery from alcoholism for over 18 years.To learn more about Sarah Allen Benton or get her book Parents In Recovery visit: https://www.bentonbhc.com/Socials:Sarah’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sarahallenbentonParents in Recovery Support Group Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1x5nQE5WX9WGxhxv/?mibextid=K35XfPSarah’s Linked In:https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahallenbentonParents in Recovery Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/parentsinrecoverySarah’s Psychology Today blog:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholicSelf-Help Groups:Alcoholics Anonymous (12-Step spiritual): www.aa.orgCelebrate Recovery (Christian): www.celebraterecovery.orgDual Diagnosis Anonymous:          https://ddainc.org/ (12-        Step)Narcotics Anonymous (12-Step spiritual): www.na.orgSMART Recovery (skills-based): www.smartrecovery.orgTherapy Finder:Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapistsSAMSHA: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-helpNAMI: https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/255-i-need-to-see-a-psychiatrist-therapist-how-can-i-find-oneCreate your podcast today! #madeonzencastrhttps://zencastr.com?via=thefatherhoodchallengeTranscription - Breaking Addiction Cycles---Are you struggling with an addiction in your life right now?It could be alcohol, drugs, pornography or something else.Have you tried or considered walking awaybut are losing the battle?Addiction is passed down in partfrom generation to generation, but so is recovery.The good news is there's a roadmap to recoveryand I brought a guest who will share some gold nuggetsof that road map with us in just a moment,so don't go anywhere.- Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge,a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhereto take great pride in their roleand a challenge society to understandhow important fathers are to the stabilityand culture of their family's environment.Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.- Greetings everyone.Thank you so much for joining me.My guess is license advanced alcohol and drug counselorand license mental health counselor Sarah Allen Benton.Sarah is also the author of Parents in Recovery.Sarah has also been a parent in recoveryfrom alcoholism for over 18 years.Sarah, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.- Thank you so much for having me.- Sarah, what is your own story of recoveryand how did that lead to becoming a counselorand writing parents in recovery?I was 27 when I entered into my recovery journeyand it was preceded by 12 years of binge drinkingand I was a high functioning alcoholicso I was really successful in school.I had a lot of friends.I had a lot of outside accomplishmentsbut I had an inability to control my intakewhen I would start drinking.And this, you know, for many years was fun and socialand humorous and then as I got,into my, you know, mid to late 20s,it started not to be funny anymoreand in fact something that I couldn't stop the cycle of.So after about four years of trying to control my drinkingwith various and clearly not successful techniques,I entered into sobrietyand through the help of therapy,through group therapy, through self-help programs,through social supports and spiritual pursuits,I have been sober for over 20 years.So my journey into recovery started before I became a parentand some of the parents I interviewedactually had different orders for thosebut I had quite a bit of sobriety under my beltwhen I became a parentbut what's interesting is I don't knowif it made the journey any more simplified for me as a parent,I found becoming a parent in recoveryactually really challenging.That's probably what prompted the bookbecause I realized that I had so many years in my sobrietyprior to having my daughter where it was all about meand I was able to do all of the things I needed to doon so many different levels for my recovery and balanceand that really, that got all rockedwhen I became a parent.And so really the story of this book also beginswith me walking into a bookstoreseeing a book that was called Mother Noisereading about how this mother was grapplingwith Cindy House, the author,grappling with whether or not to tell her 11-year-oldsabout her addiction and how it's such a part of usand it struck me that there just wasn't a lot out thereabout nonfiction-wise, maybe memoir-wisebut nonfiction-wise about navigating this path.- So from what I'm gathering out of this,there were so many things at play in your successin breaking that addiction and removing yourself from it.It wasn't just one magical thing.There were so many different things involved.- I think that point is crucial and never to be underestimated.I'm in the field of addiction treatmentand I'm also in recovery so I see it from both sidesand what can happen is people get fixatedon one particular thing, being the thing that saves themfrom their addiction and really what it is is to your point.It's a lot of different aspects and domains of our livesthat we need to foster a lifestyle of recovery.It's not just, oh just don't use, don't drink,don't pick up porn, don't engage in addictive behaviors.It's an entire lifestyle change and it's not all at once.It's gradual, it's over time, it's different for each personbut you'll notice the parents that I interviewed in my bookall had a way that they had created recoveryin the different domains of their livesand that they had to shift in each of thosewhen they became a parent.There's another really important point that I'm hearing hereand I wanna just kinda dig a little bit deeper into thatand that is the spiritual component of it.There are a lot of people and maybe even some listenerslistening to this episode right nowthat may have heard or may currently think thatto be all and all answer is a spiritual.That's the one and only thing I need.I need to just connect to God, I need to give it all to God.I need to lean on God to remove this from meand then just like that, boom,in the snap of a finger, just like that,it's gonna be gone, everything's gonna be okay.I'm no longer gonna have the desires or the cravingsor whatever it is and that's going to be my fix.And I want it to a part for you while I don't want to discreditthat that can happen and it is absolutely possible.Spiritually speaking and this is also scriptural,God will often and most commonly use resources around us.Often, more often than not, multiple resources around uswe live in the physical world here while the spiritual is nice.We live in dwell and exist in the physical worldsurrounded by resources and oftentimesit is those resources that God will direct us tolooking at this from the spiritual lens.So there's multiple ways we can come at thisand this is why I'm so glad for the audience to hear from youand even from others that you've interviewed.- Well, that's a powerful point because spiritualityand religion are very important for many people in recoveryfrom all sorts of afflictions, right?There's medical components that spiritualityand religion help people with, there's emotional,there's addiction, there's so much.I mean, it's a cornerstone for many people.I've actually seen cautionary tales of peoplewho relied too heavily on spirituality or religionand did nothing else.But that's one, and again, I use the term domain,spirituality is one domain.There's also actions to be taken in terms of your emotional health,your physical health, your daily schedule, your work life balance,your balance with your children, your fun, your downtime.And so I think that our God leads us tothat our brought to us to utilizeand then we can sort of let go in that sensebut we have to do the legwork, right?So it isn't sit back, pray and do nothing.That's really not what it's about.It's about feeling a flow and a pathand taking balanced action in all of those different domainsthat vary time to time, stress to stressand also using your spirituality as a superpower as well.- There's a word that's come up so farin this conversation that's interesting.The word is lifestyle.What do some of the changes look like in parentschanging from an addiction lifestyleto a sober family lifestyle?- Well, I was very deliberate in using that termin the title of my book because through the years,I've more and more through my work with other peoplein recovery had these discussions about how,when I first got sober, there was a lot of feedbackto me from people in my life saying,why don't you just stop drinkingand just keep things the way they are?Your life's pretty good and people like youand why does everything have to change?And I didn't know.Like I didn't have a field guide to sobriety,I went to self-help meetings, but I didn't understandthat it's almost like when you pour a glass of wateror a little bit of water on your deskand you're like, oh, it's just a little bit of waterand it seeps into everything.That's the same thing with addictionand therefore recovery needs to be the antidote to that.So we don't realize until we stop addictive behaviorshow it impacted a lot of our decision makingand it impacted a lot of the different areas of our liveswho we spent time with, what work we did,where we hung out, what social activities we did,if we did anything in that sense,how we managed our strengths, our recreational activities.So it actually drives a lot of our lives.So when we enter into recovery,all of those areas are then meeting shiftingbecause they were rotating around the addiction,whether conscious or subconscious.Again, I wasn't aware of this until I removedthat addictive behavior from my life.And so slowly through the years, I started to seethat this isn't just a removal of the addictionor the addictive substance.It was a complete reorganization of my lifeand so the parenting component is even more interestingin that sense because you have your lay of recoveryand those different changes in lifestyle changes you makeand then you add this other layer on top of ita parenting where it's not about youand you have this other being that has needsand suddenly everything sort of your equilibriumgets thrown off and you adjust, but again,kids have different phases and stages and all of that.So the lifestyle as a parent and you start to see itas a sober parent and you can really read about itin the experiences of parents that I interviewedwhere we do feel a little bit different than other parents.We don't feel like we have the luxuryof just getting completely stressed outand checking out with substances at the end of the day.We don't have the luxury if you should call it thator the right actually.We've lost our privilege and our rightto use substances moderately because we don't have that abilitybut to show up at a party on the weekendand just throw them back.So for much of our society, there is that cultural componentand it's hard to undo that and I say lifestylebecause a lot of our culture and many in specific areaseven more so in specific fieldsand there's a lot more of a socially acceptable natureto substance use.And so a sober parent or a parent in recoveryis living their lives different.Their reward system is different.The way that they engage in self careas a priority is different.The fact that they may have to integrate more balanceand not run themselves completely raggedthat they need to address their mental health issues.And again, it's not that everybody shouldn't do these thingsbut let's be real.A lot of people don't and especially when they become parents,they lose all sense of balanceand they oftentimes lose themselves.You mentioned care.This is a great segue into the my next questionwhich is why is it imperative for a dad in recoveryto take care of himself?What could that care look like for a dad?Well, I think it's interesting to speak specificallyto fathers because I don't think fathers get enough creditfor their role in parentingand I think that there's been some type of a societal shiftwhere a lot of fathers are much more involved in the activitiesand the caretaking of children.They're not just bringing home the bacon.They are involved in many different aspects of fatherhood.So in the past, I think that there was a lotof this work hard play hard mentalitythat could often involve substances.And again, I think that men and women's recovery is very different.I do think that women have the ability to bondand to connect in different ways.I think sometimes men struggle to connect with each otherin their downtime and in the activities they're doingwithout substances.Some groups of men, I'm, you know, again,there's exceptions, of course.But I do think that there is this kind of bondingand that the substance drink or potor other substances can bring down inhibitionsallow men to connect.And so when, you know, whether it's at home or with their friends,like when you take that away, social groups change,work socializing changes, the adventure going to the wayin which you manage your stress, like what role did,where's your outlet?How are you going to get that energy out?Is what kind of exercise or mental exercise or spiritual exercisedo you need to do?How are you going to now connect with your friends?There's so many questions.And, you know, I think that men also strugglewith the vulnerability piece of getting their, you know,needs or being in touch with their needsor identifying how they're feeling and expressing.Very true, yes.Yeah, so I think it's really different for both.And I've worked with personally, I know and interviewedand have had clients like male and female.And I really feel like there is a significant difference.Why do you think it is important for kidsto know about their parents' past lives as addicts?The disclosure levels were different.But at a certain age, I do believe it is very importantto share with your children about the factthat you do have an addictive issuebecause it's highly genetic.And so this would be much like having diabetesin your family or cancer in your familyand not sharing it with your childrenbecause there are preventative actions that can be takento help decrease their chances of having it.So in the case of substance use disorders,it's, you know, genetics account for about 50%the chance of developing it.But on the really positive side, the surgeon general hasfound that if you postpone substance use specifically alcohol,to the age of 15, you decrease the chance of developingan alcohol use disorder by 40% regardless of family history.That's pretty significant.And each year after that, it's about a 7% increasein a decrease, sorry, in chance.So the conversation really doesn't have to focus on,oh my gosh, I did the craziest stuff when I was youngerand get into the war stories.But what it can involve is that you had a loss of controlover your drinking, what that looked like,or substance use, what that looked like, what that felt like,so that they can also identify if and when they do try it,that they maybe have a similar experience,and how you can set them up for successto possibly be a normal drinker in this world, right?I mean, not everyone has to fear it,but how can we have a healthy respect for it,and how can we set our children up to understand their genetics?So the conversation isn't just about trauma bondingand, you know, I just want them to know really who I am.That is part of it.I mean, I does feel nice to have my daughter nowwho's a tween, know that I drink for other reasons,but don't drink for other reasons besides health.But there's also pieces of it that's beenan education process with my daughter.- Is there an appropriate age to bring that conversation up?- I think there's a particular age that feels comfortablefor each person.I noticed, and I really listed off in the chapteraround different stages.I remember just listing off all the varying responsesthat I got from parents and recoverybecause I realized there isn't an answer of what age,but I do, I would say, like, as a therapist,I would recommend that by the time that alcohol and substancesbecome part of the landscape in your child's lifethrough school and through the community,that they have some understanding of their family historyand some prevention strategies.- So it looks like that there is a mentality shiftthat has to take place in your own thinkingas you're talking to with your kids.And you reveal that the secret of that reallyis the generational component, addressing it that way.And so that brings the issue very much to the present tense.Am I understanding that correctly?- Yes, that's really an interesting take on it.And I think that there's my recovery pride chapteris really something that I just can't speak highly enoughthe concept of having pride for being in recovery,but there is baked in to our past use and past debauchlesthat we had.Most people have those kinds of stories from their past use.There is shame around that.And also there's a fear I know from a lot of parentsthat if I share these things with my childrenthat they're gonna think that they're acceptableor they're gonna get ideas.That isn't always the truth.In fact, a lot of children have the opposite responsewhere some of them, some parents got sober after they became parents.So their children already saw some of the behaviors.And so when they got into recovery,their children were relievedand this was a source of pride in their family.For others, it was the thing in the pastand the child would have never known it to happenor it was in the really early yearswhen they didn't have much of a memory.So some of the stories are cautionary tales for children,but I think you also have to gauge the temperamentof your child and are they risk takers?Are they impulsive?Are they risk averse?Are they, you know, do they listen and processand really, you know, and do they learn or are they rebellious?Like I think some of it's a personal choiceand really an assessment of your own childof what, you know, what you choose to share.- What are some of the ways that dads listeningcan cope with fear, stress, anxiety,without resorting to an addiction to numb?- Well, that is the million dollar question, right?And stress is therefore the entire world.It's not just here for people with substance use disordersand addictive behaviors.But what it is is that we all have turnedto a more maladaptive, maladaptive is the term I use for it,a more of a maladaptive coping.So how do we turn that around?And it takes time.First of all, I think people are going to experience cravingswhen they increase in their stress levelor whatever it was, the prompt that was leading themto engage in the substance use.But some of it is gradual and over time.I do think that social support and the self-help meetingsthat are now so readily available since the pandemicbecause things have gone virtual and in person, you know,you have both.There's so much at our fingertips for social support.So I would say one of the things is really findinga group of men and or men and women in a self-help groupthat you can connect to, that you can vent toand have a release.It's like the balloon starts to fill upand you need to be able to let the air outand do that in a safe environment.I do find in particular for, and I'm, again, generalizingfor men that more extreme exercise seems to be somethingthat I don't know if it's hormonal-edriven,but it seems to be something that a lot of men in recoveryare drawn to and that has really been a key componentfor them in their recovery.There are certainly some women that would have a testto that as well, but I see it in a more extreme way with men.I also think that the spiritual component can alsobe a great add-on.There's also the need for your family to have an understandingand adapt and the family system to itself have a parallelrecovery process if your spouse isn't in recoveryor if you're single, to have some level of understanding.And that's another reason why in some ways,the disclosure of being in recovery is also a discussionaround the need for self-care as a parent with your child.Because if it's not baked in, again,as part of your family system and part of your lifestyle,then you start to feel guilt or people give you a hard time.But my daughter only knows me as a person that needs certaindowntime, certain self-care things.That's all she knows about me.She's never known me to not have those needs.And so again, it can become part of that culture in your familyand part of your lifestyle.It has to start slowly, but it really is possible.And I've seen many men transform their lives.And I've also seen amazing stories of men whohad children when they were using and then children in recoveryand had completely different experiences.And it's really a beautiful thing to see.You use the term parent in recoveryas if it's an ongoing thing.I mean, is that term really ever expire?Or are you always in recovery?I do identify as a person in long term recovery.But it is-- and I do believe, and I dofeel, with the amount of time I have in recovery,that it's still something that I have to actively work on.And it comes in different forms, but it doesn't meanthat suddenly I'm cured.And I can just behave and do what everybody else does.As far as my thinking that I could also go pick up a substanceand because I've been sober for 20 years, be fine,I've proven that to be wrong over and over againprior to my getting sober.I would take breaks from drinking and I would go backand I would have exactly the same experience.So I know as a fact that if I picked up now,nothing would be different.If not, actually, it probably would have progressed and be worse.So yes, I believe it's an ongoing process.I also believe that recovery is a growth opportunity.And so the recovery process, it gives us a launching padto grow in different ways that we were allstunted when we were in active addiction.How can cell phones or other digital devicesget in the way of living a sober lifestyle?It's such a part of our lives.And it also has addictive qualities.And so there's been a lot of research and a lot of workby some amazing researchers, the work of Ann Lemke,Dopeamine Nation, and just a lot of discussionaround the impact on young minds,on the dopamine priming effect, and how peoplethat have addictive behaviors can alsobe more prone to have more of an addictive relationshipwith their phone and vice versa, where I alsotalk to my daughter around electronic usagefrom the perspective of actually from the perspectiveof addiction.So I talk about the effect on the brain.I talk about how the movie The Social Delama is brilliant.And I think even just the first half of itis really appropriate for tweens and teens, reallyeducational and helps them to understandthat we're not just being nags, and we're not just tryingto give them a hard time, but that there's some basisfor why there are some limits and boundaries with phones.But I think adults have their own reckoningbecause these apps, in social media apps, are designed.And that's a lot with that movies about.They're designed specifically to give us a dopamine hitevery time we get a like, and every time we get feedback,and every time there's a notification.So again, there's a lot of crossoverbetween the parts of the brain that get set offby addictive behaviors and our phones.So I think there's a million strategieswhich are discussed in the book both for ourselves,as parents and recovery, and also for whatwe can support our children with because it's a two-prong experience.And really, there are so many strategies,but I think it's important to be aware of our own relationshipto our phone, what our weak spots are with it.Are there cleanses that we need to take from particular apps?It's a necessary evil for work, and we can't unrealisticallyremove our email and our text and just be missing.But at the same time, do we have parameters and limitswe can separate ourselves and actually stick to them?That's those are questions we have to ask ourselves.There's also the other impact of social mediaand seeing how everyone is advertisingand being their own PR agent around their lives,and there can be this fear of missing out or phomo,especially for people in early recovery who are notgoing to some of those social events,but yet have to have them in their face.So some of this is a self-induced torture that we doby staring at what's going on in other people's liveswhen maybe we need to keep it a little bit more focusedon our own.How can dads listening now learn more about you?Get counseling or get your book, Parents in Recovery.Well, my website is Bentonbhc.com,and I have information and resources there.I also highly recommend finding a therapistwith addiction experience.It is a specialization.It's not something every therapist is trained to do.So I think that Psychology Today has a wonderful directoryand can point people sometimes in the right direction.Also, I encourage you to contact your insurance companyand try to look up therapists by specialization.As far as social media, I've started a Parents in RecoveryFacebook group.It's called the Family, sorry Parents in Recovery Support Group,and it is a Facebook group.I also have LinkedIn with Sarah Allen Benton and Facebook,but I really appreciate feedback.My email is on my website,and I really love getting readers feedback.It really makes it worth it.And also if people are looking for support in different areas,I also like to help people to sometimes find resourcesin different parts of the country.And just to make things easier,if you go to thefatherhachallenge.com,that's thefatherhachallenge.com.If you go to this episode,look right below the episode description.I will have all of the links that Sarah mentioned there,posted right in the description for your convenience.And Sarah as we close,speak to that dad that has tried to become soberand free of addiction, but is discouragedand feeling defeated.- Well, I think that there's many peoplethat have been in your spot.I've known many people that have either relapsedor never really gotten it and been able to commit to sobriety.And it's important to know that there are other peopleout there.If you put your hand out,there's going to be a hand out there for you.There are millions, 23 million people in recovery in our country.And we focus so much on those that aren't,but you have to realize that there is a group of us out thereand some people are more anonymous about it than others.So you don't always know and you'd be surprisedat how many people in your communitymay also be struggling the same way that you were.So please reach out for support.I'm going to give some links for some of the self-helpgroup meetings that are out there.There are some for, you know, males specificallythat can be really helpful.And I really want people to know they're not alone.- Sarah, you're here with your own story.Being willing to share that so openly,it takes a lot of courage.And so I just want to thank you for comingon the father and challenge.- Thank you so much.I really appreciate the opportunity.I mean, this is the only reason I wrote this bookis to touch other lives and to find, you know, meaning and purposein the journey that I've had in hopefully short circuitthe process.- Thank you for listening to this episode of The FatherhoodChallenge.If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes,find any resource mentioned in this programor find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com.[END PLAYBACK]Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations

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