The Love We Think We Want: Longing, Attachment, and the Fantasy of Connection
The Deeper Thinking Podcast
For anyone untangling love, pain, and the quiet ache beneath romantic longing.
We are told love should bring peace. That it should feel whole, safe, and mutual. But many of us find ourselves drawn to absence—to longing that never resolves. In this episode, we explore the difference between the love we think we want and the love we actually need. Through the lens of attachment theory, cultural myth, and existential thought, we ask: why do we chase what hurts?
This is not a guide to finding “the one.” It is a meditation on the inner maps that shape desire, and how early wounds can disguise themselves as attraction. With insights from Jean-Paul Sartre, Sigmund Freud, Lauren Berlant, and Eva Illouz, we explore how love, when shaped by anxiety and survival, becomes performance—not connection.
What if the person who feels magnetic isn’t our future—but our past repeating itself? What if the ache is not chemistry, but memory? This episode invites us to question the myths we’ve inherited, and to begin writing new stories rooted in safety, truth, and presence.
Reflections
Love shaped by longing will always feel dramatic. But it may never feel safe. This episode is for anyone ready to stop chasing pain disguised as passion.
Here are some reflections that surfaced along the way:

We often mistake the ache of longing for depth. But sometimes it’s just absence.
When love feels like a test, it may not be love—it may be a pattern.
Desire rooted in anxiety cannot sustain safety.
The pain of waiting to be chosen is not romantic. It’s a form of self-abandonment.
Love should not require proof. It should not feel earned through suffering.
We repeat what is familiar—not what is good for us.
What if “the one” is just the person who feels like home—and home was always uncertain?
To choose calm over chaos is a radical act of self-love.
Real love isn’t something we perform. It’s something we allow.

Why Listen?

Explore how attachment patterns shape attraction and emotional longing
Understand Freud’s theory of repetition compulsion and why we chase pain
Engage with Berlant’s cruel optimism and how romantic ideals keep us stuck
Reconsider modern dating through Illouz’s sociological lens on love and capitalism
Reflect on Sartre’s existential view of love, freedom, and desire

Listen On:

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Bibliography

Berlant, Lauren. Cruel Optimism. Durham: Duke University Press, 2011.
Illouz, Eva. Why Love Hurts. Cambridge: Polity Press, 2012.
Freud, Sigmund. Beyond the Pleasure Principle. New York: Liveright, 2020.
Sartre, Jean-Paul. Being and Nothingness. Trans. Hazel Barnes. New York: Washington Square Press, 1992.
Perel, Esther. The State of Affairs. New York: Harper, 2017.

Bibliography Relevance

Lauren Berlant: Illuminates how romantic ideals can become obstacles to real emotional fulfillment.
Eva Illouz: Explores how love is shaped by culture, capitalism, and emotional market forces.
Sigmund Freud: Offers insight into the unconscious repetition of emotional pain in relationships.
Jean-Paul Sartre: Frames love as a philosophical tension between freedom and fusion.
Esther Perel: Unpacks the tension between desire and attachment in modern intimacy.

The love we think we want is often not love at all. It is memory, longing, a repetition of wounds left unhealed. But real love? It was never meant to hurt.
#LoveAndAttachment #Freud #Sartre #EvaIllouz #LaurenBerlant #AttachmentTheory #CruelOptimism #ModernLove #RepetitionCompulsion #EmotionalPatterns #TheDeeperThinkingPodcast

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