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Listen "Is Therapeutic Separation a Good Idea?"
Episode Synopsis
Today, we’re going to be looking at therapeutic or trial separation- the idea of spending some time apart to heal your marriage. For many couples who feel like their marriage is at the end of its tether, this kind of separation might be something to consider. But you need to be aware of the risks and possible outcomes. Fear is a natural response when facing the possibility of separation, especially after experiencing betrayal.
Let’s state very clearly that our vision is to help people create thriving, passionate marriages. At the same time, we realize that folks often come to our podcast or website or for counselling in great distress. Issues such as betrayal, including sexual betrayal, can cause deep emotional wounds and betrayal trauma, which often lead couples to consider therapeutic separation. But when we’re talking about therapeutic separation today, this is with the goal of restoring your marriage, as long as it is safe to do that.
On that safety note, if you are in an abusive situation, a different approach is necessary — please see our episodes on abuse. You may still pursue separation, but you will not likely be safe to do so in the way we’re about to describe.
What Is Therapeutic Separation and Physical Separation?
Let’s start by laying out what exactly a therapeutic separation looks like. A marriage and family counselor called Patrick Ward sets out a helpful framework for a trial separation and the circumstances under which it may be useful. This framework can also include a therapeutic separation agreement, which is a formal plan developed with a therapist to guide the separation process and outline specific goals and actions for both partners.
A therapeutic separation is defined as a fixed period of physical separation during which the decision to divorce or stay together is postponed. In this period, the couple chooses to live separately with specific, agreed-upon goals, making it an intentional and structured phase rather than a step toward divorce. In other words — a therapeutic separation is not a preamble or step toward divorce or even a trial of what it would be like to live without your spouse. It is always set up with a view to restoration.
That has to be a sincere commitment for both parties.
At the same time, a therapeutic separation aims to address the negative feelings that one or both of you might have about staying in the marriage. Sometimes, it can also be used as an intervention if one spouse is not accepting the reality of their addiction problem or if they are not willing to address their hurtful ways of interaction with their spouse.
Possible Reasons that Make a Therapeutic Separation Appropriate
There could be a wider variety of reasons than this, but here are some common areas that may prompt a therapeutic separation:
Extreme or persistent marital conflict - One or both spouses feeling high levels of frustration or lack of satisfaction from the marriage
Harmful patterns of interaction such as abuse, severe addiction, neglect or control
Indecision about whether one or both spouses want to remain in the marriage
Experiencing relational trauma, such as the aftermath of infidelity or significant breaches of trust
Preparing for the Separation
Preparing for a therapeutic separation is a crucial step that can make the entire process more beneficial and less stressful for both partners. Rather than rushing into living separately, it’s essential to approach this predetermined period with intention and clarity. The main purpose of a therapeutic separation is to create a safe space where both individuals can focus on healing, self-reflection, and gaining a better understanding of what the future might hold for their relationship.
Before the separation begins, couples should sit down together—ideally with the guidance of a couples therapist—to discuss and agree on the specific goals they hope to achieve during this time apart.
Let’s state very clearly that our vision is to help people create thriving, passionate marriages. At the same time, we realize that folks often come to our podcast or website or for counselling in great distress. Issues such as betrayal, including sexual betrayal, can cause deep emotional wounds and betrayal trauma, which often lead couples to consider therapeutic separation. But when we’re talking about therapeutic separation today, this is with the goal of restoring your marriage, as long as it is safe to do that.
On that safety note, if you are in an abusive situation, a different approach is necessary — please see our episodes on abuse. You may still pursue separation, but you will not likely be safe to do so in the way we’re about to describe.
What Is Therapeutic Separation and Physical Separation?
Let’s start by laying out what exactly a therapeutic separation looks like. A marriage and family counselor called Patrick Ward sets out a helpful framework for a trial separation and the circumstances under which it may be useful. This framework can also include a therapeutic separation agreement, which is a formal plan developed with a therapist to guide the separation process and outline specific goals and actions for both partners.
A therapeutic separation is defined as a fixed period of physical separation during which the decision to divorce or stay together is postponed. In this period, the couple chooses to live separately with specific, agreed-upon goals, making it an intentional and structured phase rather than a step toward divorce. In other words — a therapeutic separation is not a preamble or step toward divorce or even a trial of what it would be like to live without your spouse. It is always set up with a view to restoration.
That has to be a sincere commitment for both parties.
At the same time, a therapeutic separation aims to address the negative feelings that one or both of you might have about staying in the marriage. Sometimes, it can also be used as an intervention if one spouse is not accepting the reality of their addiction problem or if they are not willing to address their hurtful ways of interaction with their spouse.
Possible Reasons that Make a Therapeutic Separation Appropriate
There could be a wider variety of reasons than this, but here are some common areas that may prompt a therapeutic separation:
Extreme or persistent marital conflict - One or both spouses feeling high levels of frustration or lack of satisfaction from the marriage
Harmful patterns of interaction such as abuse, severe addiction, neglect or control
Indecision about whether one or both spouses want to remain in the marriage
Experiencing relational trauma, such as the aftermath of infidelity or significant breaches of trust
Preparing for the Separation
Preparing for a therapeutic separation is a crucial step that can make the entire process more beneficial and less stressful for both partners. Rather than rushing into living separately, it’s essential to approach this predetermined period with intention and clarity. The main purpose of a therapeutic separation is to create a safe space where both individuals can focus on healing, self-reflection, and gaining a better understanding of what the future might hold for their relationship.
Before the separation begins, couples should sit down together—ideally with the guidance of a couples therapist—to discuss and agree on the specific goals they hope to achieve during this time apart.
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