In this episode we’re discussing conflict resolution, in particular, the distinction between an adversarial paradigm, that all of us unwittingly hold, and a restorative paradigm, that gets us what we ultimately want: healthy, thriving relationships with those closest to us .  The difference between the two is quite literally life changing. In the former hurt leads to disconnection and distance, with a slow and steady degradation of the relationships that matter most.  In the latter, hurt creates an opportunity for deeper connection and intimacy, which obviously reflects the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible. This deep, provocative, practical conversation will help us all move in that direction.‍Our guest is David Cooley, he is a relationship coach who works with individuals and couples, guiding them to address conflict in a way that restores harmony.   His work interweaves his background in restorative justice with training in nonviolent communication, mindfulness based practices, narrative therapy, somatic work, and attachment theory.  He is also the author of Poly-wise with his partner, Jessica Fern.‍In this conversation Jenny and David discuss:What the adversarial paradigm isHow culture and the criminal justice system affect how we show up in interpersonal conflictThe insidious ways the adversarial paradigm shows up in our beliefs, responses, and internal narrativesHow our conflict resolution defaults impact our nervous systems and the nervous systems of our partnersHow the stories we hold distort how we perceive our partners in moments of conflictWhy all of this leads to increasing disconnect and degradationsWhat the restorative paradigm isThe restorative versions of the believes, responses, and narratives of the adversarial paradigmThe nervous system and how critical self-awareness and self-regulation is to addressing conflict productivelyThe role of fairness in intimate relationshipsThe role of forgiveness and the distinction between repair, expression, and forgivenessHow we can care for our partner's emotional needs without taking responsibility for our partner's emotions and compromising ourselves‍Alongside this episode we are sharing David's incredible handouts with our listeners:Attachment NeedsParadigms of ConflictThe Restorative ParadigmRepair QuestionsCentering Hurt
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