I used to be full of faith and religion for God. I used to love and adore Him because I was taught to do so and I believed in it. I believed in His finished works, that He was in control, and that His children were special beings.


In the past month, I started to dwindle. Not that I wanted to (I actually feared what would become of me for what is happening), but I couldn't control myself, my mind.

It started as a fear for the future, what would come of it. Where would I be, what would I become, where is this life leading me to? And the thought that I was losing time to indecision made fear more crippling, I couldn't help but compare myself to others and what they've (or will) achieved at my age. Of the little time I had before I must start thinking for others.


This fear encroached into the present. I started feeling unworthy for the life I have. What is the worth of my life if I can't be courageous? This is because to tell you the truth, I knew what I am supposed to do but the terror of what it entails me doing (after I have tried and failed for years) had made me chosen to forget for a moment.


Just as if that was not enough, the sudden death of someone I barely knew but thought was worthy of living put the icing on the cake. "Why did that happen?", I asked myself (and even God if you may). It struck like a bullet in my heart, I was disappointed. He had a reason to live; he knew God and he was living up to whatever life should be! I lost control, I didn't even want it anymore since I don't understand it. "I don't understand life or God so I don't want any control of both". That was my conclusion of the matter.


I fell ill shortly. It was one of the worsts for me. I remembered on one of the nights I was scared to sleep afraid it would lead to death. "If it could happen to him, what makes me special?". By the next day, it was unbearable, I felt sick like I never had and missed being alive so much.

Hallelujah! In 2 days I was alive as if I was never " dead". It was resurrection day for me! I felt reborn, anew. The meaning of life became palpable! I understood life like I never did in my entire past. Life is not what we become when we are breathing, life is the privilege we are given to breathe!


And now I know, not only that I don't know a plethora -no a host- of things, but also that God is the giver of life. This same God does not want us to be in control of Him or life, but to trust (and truly show it through active curiosity) in what He is doing, to laugh when we figure out a little of what His plans are, and to just worship Him by enjoying this life we are given.

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