Hello, and welcome to Touring History, the only historical recap show where we mind humanity's worst decisions for your entertainment. I'm Lane. - And I'm Dave. And if you're enjoying this on the toilet, well, congratulations. You're smarter than the Ottoman Empire. So, let's begin. - On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was founded. It now holds over 170 million items, including books, maps, photos, and Unfortunately, several Nicholas Sparks novels. - Ooh, I don't think he had a library card. Which, to be fair, are the only books in the collection that come pre -moicent. - I'm crying. - Thomas Jefferson sold them his entire personal library to restart it after a fire, which, ironically, is also how Dave paid off his bar tab in college. - That's right. Even though Jefferson only had four books to give them. It was incredible that I had none. They didn't even take books. They took kidney function on birthdays. That's right. We have to mention birthdays. So happy birthday to Pulitzer Prize winner writer Robert Penn Warren, the only man to win for both poetry and fiction. Because why just dominate one genre when you can ruin the curve for everyone? Yeah, he was up for fiction, but only because his poetry was fiction. Also born today, Barbara Streisand, icon, egot winner. What is that again? Oh yes, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, toenails. And the only person who sneezes has its own key signature. It's untight. - And shout out to Kelly Clarkson, born in 1982, America's first idol, and the only woman strong enough to survive from Justin to Kelly. - And relentless Wayfair advertiser. Hey, it was either her or Clay Aiken, right? And let's be honest, Clay wouldn't have made it past 2007. - On to American genocide. - Oh no, that's the Armenian genocide. - Oh! - The American genocide is presently taking place. - Sorry, Trumpian slip. Today It's the anniversary of the Armenian Genocide when the Ottoman Empire began the mass killing of 1 .5 million Armenians. Those autos, they were everywhere. A horrifying, deliberate campaign of ethnic cleansing that many countries still won't call a genocide. Oh no, it's not that. Oh, it has to be 18 million before we call it that. Because acknowledging history is apparently harder than saying, "Sorry, boo, At Thanksgiving, can you pass the peas? It's one of the worst crimes of the 20th century, and yet it gets less pressed than a new season of "Selling Sunset." Oh, I love that show. Do you want it to be $17 million or $20 million? To be fair, those realtors are monsters, though. On to 1980, the failed U .S. rescue mission in Iran. In 1980, the U .S. attempted to rescue hostages in Iran with Operation Eagle Claw. How do they come up with these names? They go around a table. Let's call it Operation Toothpaste Still in the Tube. Now we use that one last week. It ended in disaster when a sandstorm and poor planning led to the deaths of eight servicemen, unfortunately. It was like Ocean's Eleven if the heist ended with the Bellagio on fire and George Clooney crying in a helicopter. Ah, she's always there crying, either in a helicopter or in a golf cart. What's his deal? Also known as Oceans 12. In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope launched. Oh, the world's largest peeping Tom. Yes. In 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Space Telescope with a broken mirror. Oops. Haha. How many bad years of luck would that give you? So yes, we spent 1 my billion to send a blurry camera into space. - Eventually it was fixed and began showing us galaxies billions of light years away. - Hey, how'd you like to be the guy that had to go up there and actually repair it? Well, I need a Fetzer valve and a claw hammer. I think we're good. That's right, which we use mostly to make iPhone wallpapers. - In 2013, - The Rana Plaza, am I saying Rana, right? Is it Reina, Rana? - You say potato, I say Reina, go ahead. - The Rana Plaza garment factory collapsed, killing 1 ,134 workers. It was a horrifying reminder of how cheap clothes often come at a high cost. - Ouch, so the next time you buy a $4 tank top online, just ask yourself, is this worth someone else's life? And if the answer is yes, Congratulations! You qualify for Amazon Prime! Commercials included! Well, in 1971, FedEx is founded. Uh, Wilson! Wilson! It was founded today in 1971, and they've been expertly losing your packages ever since. Their slogan was originally "absolutely positively overnight until someone said, "What if it just lingers in Memphis for five days?" "Well, then it's absolutely positively in Memphis for five days. Seriously, every FedEx package has to go through Memphis. Remember Elvis? He was always going through Memphis." In 1988, Dose Eckes debuted the most interesting man in the world campaign, giving us gems like he once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels. - Oh, those are great campaigns. This campaign made Doseki's cool, proving that a fake hemming way in a blazer could sell more beer than a Super Bowl ad featuring, well, monkeys. - And as always, he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he makes me feel deeply inadequate. - Boy, that's for sure. And if you have a beard, you're cool again. He also once parallel parked a cruise ship and fixed the Hubble mirror with duct tape. He's the most amazing man. All right, sick around. We'll be right back after this message from our sponsor, which unfortunately is neither interesting nor well -dressed. That's right. Tonight's show is brought to you by the world's longest putt. Yes, that's a real thing. Not a metaphor, not a crypto scam, an actual physical golf putt. It's amazing. That's right. You, a regular human with barely enough core strength to stand upright in a Trader Joe's checkout line, can now attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest putt ever made, and win a million bucks. All you have to do is sink a 401 -foot putt. That's four football fields. Or, if you're bad at sports analogies, approximately one emotional distance from your father. Ha ha Haha, it's the dumbest thing I've ever wanted to succeed at, but you could actually become rich, not by investing in stocks or inventing an app, or working for Doge, but by gently rolling a ball really far on purpose. This isn't mini golf. There's no windmill, no clown mouth, just you, a putter, and the crushing weight of physics. Well, I'm sure there are a few clown mouths out there, But you go to worldslongestputt .com and register for a chance to make sports history and Possibly pull your hamstring in front of a cheering crowd Because some people are born great some achieve greatness and some putt their way there Oh, that'll be on my headstone worlds longest putt come for the million dollars Stay because you overshot the hole by three hundred and seventy 375 feet. Now back to the show. That's right. Ah, yes. 1184 BCE, the fall of Troy. Also known as the most overhyped gift opening in history. Did that have anything to do with Helen? Or should we bring this giant wooden horse left by our sworn enemies? Ah, sure. What could go wrong? Bring it in it's a good reminder that if something seems too good to be true. It probably has 40 Greeks in it Oh, I've been to that diner. It's fantastic Well in 1907 Hershey Park opened Milton Hershey Famed chocolate man opened Hershey Park in Pennsylvania today, which was like Disneyland if Mickey was filled with Nougat hmm Oh, originally meant as a leisure park for his chocolate factory workers, because what says labor rights like a roller coaster called the Coco Cruiser? Or being dipped in a vat of chocolate, just for fun! On 1967, Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov tragically died today when his space capsule crashed during re -entry. with the coming in hot way too hot and he knew the spacecraft was faulty before launch but since it was the Soviet era he's still fluid because apparently in Soviet Russia you know cancel missions missions cancel you he was a hero yes he was a tragic flaming physics defying hero that's for sure Well in 2004 the US lifted sanctions in Libya. That's right 2004 saw the US lift economic sanctions in Libya because nothing says Igawns like a handshake with a guy who once kept a tent at the UN Where's the white part of my camel? Hmm. It's not forgiveness. It's just oil. That's right In 2000 ever you won as long as I can fill up my Tesla. Oh, wait a minute. That's the wrong car. I bought my Tesla before he low and crazy Thanks for the bumper sticker. You bet 2018 Bill Cosby was convicted of sexual assault and a no denial lawsuits and putting pop commercials. Oh gosh Mmm, I just don't know what to say the sentence was three to ten years and the vibe was oh not nearly enough doctor - That was justice -ish. - Ish, yes. Well, so we have come to the closing of April 24th. I'm sure there's more stuff out there, but we don't have enough gas in our tank to do it all. So that was April 24th, a day of genocide, galaxies, Garmin collapses, and a guy who really is into Dosekis, and a comedian who we all love that turned into a monster so Lane we'll see you tomorrow where history will again remind us that humanity is basically just one long season of white lotus gorgeous views terrible people and someone always ends up dead that's right so good night and remember don't open the giant wooden horse   00000287 00000287 000046E3 000046E3 0000F51A 0000F51A 00007E86 00007E86 00090CF0 00090CF0

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