Figs and Teale share a session digging into a recurring negative cycle triggered by waiting and discuss the difference between vulnerable or "Primary" feelings and "Secondary" blaming reactions and how even the littlest of things can have a big impact.Timestamps:00:00 Teaser01:06 Chit-chat, "This couples counseling thing is really good for us."02:10 Introduction to session — The hurt behind the negative cycle 04:33 Teale's example: The Pursuer / Relentless Lover's perspective05:56 The Withdrawer / Reluctant Lover's perspective06:39 Negative infinity loop07:14 Understanding "Primary" and "Secondary"09:30 Finding the primary within Teale's example10:51 Session begins — "We can get in a cycle"10:59 Habits: Figs gives himself extra time, Teale fits in as much as she can11:56 Top of cycle: Figs feels let down when by Teale's style of task/time management13:13 Teale describes becoming defensive, pissed off in turn14:54 Teale describes how she eventually shifts into placating Figs16:57 Figs feels like he's overly sensitive — exploring waiting and overwhelm18:56 Top of the cycle recap: Figs feels alone and blames Teale, Teale defends herself19:21 The deeper rounds: Figs feels self-protective20:28 "Legit" Statistic: Teale initiates repair 99.99% of the time20:46 Relationship shift: "Teale will tell me all the possible things I will do to make things better and how none of them will work."21:53 Figs feels even more trapped22:54 Going to Alaska: Figs is inclined to stay in disconnection because of feelings of unworthiness24:39 Teale feels frustrated and alone when Figs pulls away26:48 Figs feels he gets in trouble when he thinks he's "the good one" and says so, but Teale is so far above Figs when she's the good one he doesn't know where to go27:36 Teale's vulnerable / connected moment during yesterday's conflict29:45 Teale feels she's pulling from a depleted well to be able to repair31:53 Teale has a story inside of, "All men have hurt me"33:02 Seeing her side of the dance — when she has a part of it and when she doesn't34:00 Connecting with each other in a Primary way, Figs is in and above the process35:36 Session ends — Studying their own negative interactionary cycle, Primary and Secondary36:52 Being in the process vs the solution38:30 It's gonna be messy, and that's okay40:02 Summarizing the cycle42:58 Figs' takeaway: Even little things touch big feelings inside45:42 Goodbyes — keep fighting the good fight!Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.
If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.

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