Clients often talk about finding their partner sexiest when that person is intensely engaged in something that they love; music, art, intense conversation. It makes sense. They are vital in those moments, they have a kind of intensity that is alluring, particularly if they are good at what they are doing. The musician is a great example. Is there anybody sexier than a rock musician? This presents a problem. Interrupt the flow of the music to try to connect erotically and 1. the thing that made the other person sexy ceases and/or 2. the other person is deeply engaged with something and the interruption may feel very unsexy to them. Another dimension to this paradox: Can I accept being the object of my partner’s desire? Amanda Luterman talks about Erotic Empathy; the ability to believe I am sexy to my partner. That can be a lot harder than it sounds. Is it easier for me to desire someone else when the focus of that intensity isn’t on me? Does someone else actively focusing on me erotically shut down my eroticism? If I find someone sexy while they are playing guitar but not when they are actively seducing me, how will I ever take yes for an answer?

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