The theme for February was “Optimistically Ballsy.” I chose this term with my coach as a way to channel my risky, ADHD, don’t give a fuck mentality that says “This will work out. It has to.” And then I jump into the ice barrel of life and hope my internal organs don’t implode. I took on a job with another company as a consultant and when they'd paid me, they switched my role. I was to do cold calls and sales emails all day every day instead of create content for their website and social media. WHAT? My heart was like a raisin after working at this soul sucking online e-commerce situation where everyone is just a statistic on an analytics presentation that the CEO was drilling into her staff about growth and momentum and… My heart of hearts told me… slow your roll. Maybe if you care so goddamn much about relationships and supportive environments where everyone is seen as a hero, whole and complete and storytelling is king… You need to go back home and center yourself.
See optimism gets me in a lot of trouble. I have impulse control issues. I just go for things sometimes without having the wherewithal to say “Is this right for me?” or “Am I going to have an opportunity to really serve the values that I hold dear in this position?” But Optimism isn’t blind. I don’t jump into the deep end without some proof that I have done it before, without some swim lessons, or without telling someone,,,”If you don’t hear from me in three minutes, rescue my limp body from the pool, okay?” I’m smoking the Hopium pipe again and I have faith in myself, even if I’m not killing it financially. I’m outside my comfort zone. I’m busy working on some new shit. That’s really something amazing. And it’s going to work out. It has to. There is no other option.
Ballsy is when you don’t take the first thing that comes to you. Just because a man says he wants to support me forever and thinks I’m beautiful, doesn’t mean that I should be in a relationship with him. Just because a job offer can cover my rent and living expenses, doesn’t mean I go for it. I mean, hell! This is the life of an entrepreneur. We figure shit out. We take a class, call a mentor, get a loan and MOVE the FUCK forward in life. Later in the month, I gave up an amazing opportunity that so many designers in Chicago may covet called a Showcase House. I exhaled a breath of confidence because I knew that I knew saying "NO" was the right decision. That something else more incredible would come my way. That I now had time to decide what I wanted to spend energy working on that really allowed me freedom of expression, form and function.
I refuse to dilute my art so that it appeals to the masses . I also refuse to be put into a role where my skills are underutilized. Not for any amount of publicity or money. Because the money will come and it will be more abundant if I used my entire creative and compassionate BEING to make it. It will be more gratifying. It will last longer if I build it myself. So, this week, with optimism and big balls, I suggest you all remind yourself “I am up to the task.” And move forward with courage, not confidence. Determination, not motivation. And a really strong knowing of WHO you are. Because that matters a lot more than what other people want you to be.

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