Touring History April 24th, 2025   LANE: Hello, and welcome to Touring History —the only historical recap show where we mine humanity's worst decisions… for your entertainment. I'm Lane. DAVE: And I'm Dave. And if you're enjoying this on the toilet, congratulations—you're smarter than the Ottoman Empire. Let's begin.     📚 1800: The Library of Congress is founded LANE: On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was founded. It now holds over 170 million items, including books, maps, photos, and, unfortunately, several Nicholas Sparks novels. DAVE: Which, to be fair, are the only books in the collection that come pre-moistened from crying. LANE: Thomas Jefferson sold them his entire personal library to restart it after a fire—which, ironically, is also how Dave paid off his bar tab in college. DAVE: They didn't take books. They took kidney function.     🎤 Birthday Roll Call DAVE: Happy birthday to Pulitzer-winning writer Robert Penn Warren, the only man to win for both poetry and fiction. LANE: Because why just dominate one genre when you can ruin the curve for everyone? DAVE: Also born today: Barbra Streisand, icon, EGOT-winner, and the only person whose sneeze has its own key signature. LANE: And shoutout to Kelly Clarkson, born in 1982—America's first Idol and the only woman strong enough to survive From Justin to Kelly. DAVE: Hey, it was either her or Clay Aiken. And let's be honest: Clay wouldn't have made it past 2007.     🩸 1915: Armenian Genocide Begins LANE: Today marks the anniversary of the Armenian Genocide, when the Ottoman Empire began the mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians. DAVE: A horrifying, deliberate campaign of ethnic cleansing that many countries still won't call a genocide—because acknowledging history is apparently harder than saying "sorry" at Thanksgiving. LANE: It's one of the worst crimes of the 20th century, and yet it gets less press than a new season of Selling Sunset. DAVE: To be fair, those realtors are monsters.     🚁 1980: Failed U.S. Rescue Mission in Iran DAVE: In 1980, the U.S. attempted to rescue hostages in Iran with Operation Eagle Claw, which ended in disaster when a sandstorm and poor planning led to the deaths of eight servicemen. LANE: It was like Ocean's Eleven if the heist ended with the Bellagio on fire and George Clooney crying in a helicopter. DAVE: Also known as Ocean's Twelve.     🔭 1990: Hubble Space Telescope Launches LANE: Today in 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Space Telescope… with a broken mirror. DAVE: So yes, we spent $1.5 billion to send a blurry camera into space. LANE: Eventually it was fixed and began showing us galaxies billions of light years away. DAVE: Which we used mostly to make iPhone wallpapers.     🏭 2013: Rana Plaza Collapse in Bangladesh LANE: In 2013, the Rana Plaza garment factory collapsed, killing 1,134 workers. It was a horrifying reminder of how cheap clothes often come at a high cost. DAVE: So the next time you buy a $4 tank top online, ask yourself: "Is this worth someone else's life?" And if the answer is "yes," congratulations, you qualify for Amazon Prime.     📦 1971: FedEx is Founded DAVE: FedEx was founded today in 1971, and they've been expertly losing your packages ever since. LANE: Their slogan was originally "Absolutely, positively overnight"… until someone said, "What if it just lingers in Memphis for five days?" DAVE: Seriously, every FedEx package has to go through Memphis, like it's trying to find Elvis.     🧔 1998: "The Most Interesting Man in the World" Campaign Debuts LANE: Dos Equis debuted "The Most Interesting Man in the World" campaign today in 1998, giving us gems like: "He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels." DAVE: This campaign made Dos Equis cool, proving that a fake Hemingway in a blazer could sell more beer than a Super Bowl ad featuring monkeys. LANE: And, as always, he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does… he makes me feel deeply inadequate. DAVE: He also once parallel parked a cruise ship, and fixed the Hubble mirror with duct tape. LANE: All right, stick around—we'll be right back after this message from our sponsor. Which, unfortunately, is neither interesting nor well-dressed.     🎙️ [AD BREAK – Live Read: World's Longest Putt] LANE: Tonight's show is brought to you by the World's Longest Putt—yes, that's a real thing. Not a metaphor. Not a crypto scam. An actual, physical, golf putt. DAVE: That's right. You, a regular human with barely enough core strength to stand upright in a Trader Joe's checkout line, can now attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest putt ever made… and win $1 million dollars. LANE: All you have to do is sink a 401-foot putt. That's four football fields. Or, if you're bad at sports analogies: approximately one emotional distance from your father. DAVE: It's the dumbest thing I've ever wanted to succeed at. You could become rich not by investing in stocks or inventing an app, but by gently rolling a ball really far on purpose. LANE: This isn't mini golf. There's no windmill. No clown mouth. Just you, a putter, and the crushing weight of physics. DAVE: Go to worldslongestputt.com and register for a chance to make sports history—and possibly pull your hamstring in front of a cheering crowd. LANE: Because some people are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some… putt their way there. DAVE: World's Longest Putt. Come for the million dollars. Stay because you overshot the hole by 375 feet.     🪖 1184 BCE: Fall of Troy (Traditional Date) LANE: Ah yes, the fall of Troy—aka the most overhyped gift opening in history. DAVE: "Should we bring in this giant wooden horse left by our sworn enemies?" "Sure, what could go wrong?" LANE: It's a good reminder that if something seems too good to be true... it probably has 40 Greeks in it.     🍫 1907: Hersheypark Opens DAVE: Milton Hershey opened Hersheypark in Pennsylvania today, which was like Disneyland if Mickey was filled with nougat. LANE: Originally meant as a leisure park for his chocolate factory workers—because what says "labor rights" like a rollercoaster called "The Cocoa Cruiser"?     ☠️ 1967: Cosmonaut Komarov Dies in Space Accident LANE: Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov tragically died today when his space capsule crashed during re-entry. DAVE: And he knew the spacecraft was faulty before launch, but still flew it—because apparently in Soviet Russia, you don't cancel missions, missions cancel you. LANE: He was a hero. A tragic, flaming, physics-defying hero.     📉 2004: U.S. Lifts Sanctions on Libya DAVE: In 2004, the U.S. lifted economic sanctions on Libya. Because nothing says "bygones" like a handshake with a guy who once kept a tent at the UN. LANE: It's not forgiveness, it's just... oil.     ⚖️ 2018: Bill Cosby Convicted LANE: Finally, in 2018, Bill Cosby was convicted of sexual assault, ending years of denial, lawsuits, and pudding pop commercials. DAVE: The sentence was: 3 to 10 years. The vibe was: not nearly enough. LANE: It was justice… ish.     🎙️ CLOSING LINE DAVE: So that was April 24th—a day of genocide, galaxies, garment collapses, and a guy who's really, really into Dos Equis. LANE: We'll see you tomorrow, where history will again remind us that humanity is basically just one long season of White Lotus—gorgeous views, terrible people, and someone always ends up dead. DAVE: Good night, and remember: Don't open the giant wooden horse.   00000234 00000234 00003BCB 00003BCB 0008D400 0008D400 00007E86 00007E86 0008D400 0008D400

Ver todos los episodios