This week on Chickens Are The New Kittens, we’re building dating profiles for the real stars of our lives; our 6 chaotic chickens (including the loudmouths, the bullies, and the sweet baby nuggets), our 4 cats (ranging from emotionally unavailable to aggressively affectionate), and our stinky-but-stunning dog. We don’t stop there; Beth gets a profile too, complete with her 70-something-year-old soul trapped in a sweaty, overbooked body, while Chelsey demands full disclosure on sperm counts and emotional availability from any potential matches. Frank the cat leans heavily on mysterious jaguar energy and his love of unsolicited mouth contact, while Goku’s bio warns that cuddling may lead to blood loss. Raven overshares about food kinks, and Beans is emotionally distant but still wants to hold hands at 3 a.m. We laugh our way through each profile, increasingly impressed (and slightly concerned) at how accurately ChatGPT nails our weird little menagerie. There’s dating red flags, green flags, and whatever color flag means “eats vegetables and growls at the doorbell.” It’s unhinged, it’s adorable, it’s disturbingly relatable, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

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