I wanted to re-record this chapter with some different opening paragraphs because I changed some of it to a more evolved perspective of owning the fact that i probably wasn't in the right mindset to decide if the kids would come back--The words below are the new ones that will be contained on a new recording eventually but if i record a whole new episode for this podcast it will mess up the order of everything i have done so read these paragraphs before listening to this older version
"Something I feel really bad about now but can’t go back and change is that I wasn't really in a frame of mind to decide whether the kids should come back but I was back to what i wanted to believe was mostly normal fairly quickly which made this situation even more of a pickle because my instincts were to fight to have my kids. This was a really new situation for everyone involved and I think we all had no clue what the best thing was. The only way I and I think everyone else felt OK with them coming back was if I could have constant intensive family support there to ensure their safety while I worked on my stability for the next while. At the very least I know if I wouldn't have had that support I had sense enough to know that I wouldn't have pushed to have them come back at this point. I felt strongly that I still had things of value to offer my kids so I promised myself that if I ever had another episode and we knew this was chronic or if for whatever reason I didn’t have the intensive family support this was when we would consider different custody measures.
My kids were around 8, 6 and a year and I'm sure coming home was very traumatizing for them.  I still have a lot of guilt about how scary it must have been for them and over whether this was the right decision. Our divorce was still new and things were tense, I was worried back then any time away from my kids would make me more likely to lose any custody I had. There was no way I would have had them come home if I didn't have the family support but because I did this became within the realm of possibilities because we could all have that back up safety..Again there is a lot of doubt over this part of my story so I hope the way i am being vulnerable can be treated respectfully. I couldn't comprehend losing my kids completely over something that had never happened to me before this unless I knew it had become a chronic issue."

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